i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
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If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
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I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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