I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she peed on how many people?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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