so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
