gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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