don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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