I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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