oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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