Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
