first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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