Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
