Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
