You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
