Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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