she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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