Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
