I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize