The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
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Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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