I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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