watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
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If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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