First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
