No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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