Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
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we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You don't make any sense
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