the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Shame - the story of my life.
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