he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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