but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
