so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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