Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
