I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
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