I'm sorry my penis didn't work
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
