apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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