We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
