I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
