Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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