Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
