loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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