It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
