The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
