I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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