Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
