I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
