I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
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You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My ass is underappreciated
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I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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