if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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