I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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