But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
