i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
