so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.