Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers