Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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