I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
