just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
