but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
