you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Life is so much better after having sex.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
