I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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