the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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