I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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