i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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